Stiletto Boy and the Blonde Problem
by Kihin Ranno
Summary: Yaten partakes in a secret ritual only to find out that it's no longer so secret.


Stiletto Boy and the Blonde Problem  
1/1  
by Kihin Ranno  
Written for the Sailor Moon Monthly Fanfiction Challenge on LiveJournal

Yaten hated being the short one. He had hated being the short one even when it could have been said that _she_ hated being the short one. She hated Seiya going around, bragging that he was the perfect male (or female) specimen with the perfect muscles, perfect breasts (when Seiya had breasts), and perfect _height_. She hated that Taiki was so freakishly tall and that he/she got a few extra inches added by that freakishly large forehead.

When the three of them had all been women full-time, Yaten had often made up for the lost height by wearing high heels. It might not have put her exactly on level with Seiya, but it was enough to even out the playing field somewhat. Yaten had gotten quite proficient at moving quickly in four inch heels, racing down the halls of the palace at Kinmoku to catch Seiya who was attempting to abscond with her hot red dress or racing down the halls at the palace at Kinmoku to avoid Taiki as she'd just committed the ultimate crime by reshelving all of her books so that they were no longer in the correct order - alphabetically by color and length, including half pages, thank you.

Now that they were all flitting around in their manliness, Yaten had absolutely no way of adding height short of walking around in a fussy hat. And while he was keen on doing just about anything to gain people's attention, giving himself hat hair was not one of them. Thus, this left Yaten the shortest.

It also meant that when he couldn't escape fans, they had a tendency to baby him, pat his head, and pinch his cheeks. He had discovered that in these mob situations, insulting someone's outfit did little to nothing to stop the assault on his fabulous person.

But Yaten had a secret. When Taiki and Seiya weren't around, he pulled out a box that he kept secreted under his mattress, hidden behind some S&M gear he'd bought to distract anyone from what he was **really** hiding. He pushed the box aside, snorting at the sight of the black leather mask covered in spikes. He shook his head, marveling at the concept of _sex_ much less kinky sex. Why would anyone willingly sweat THAT much.

There were some things Yaten would never understand, male body or no.

He glanced around one more time, just to make sure that Taiki and Seiya weren't hiding behind any of the furniture (and they would do that just to be irritating) and pulled out his secreted shoe box. He slowly lifted the unmarked white lid as if he was opening a sarcophagus or sacred tabernacle. He almost swore that light was pouring out of the box and had to rub his eyes to remind himself that that was only wishful thinking.

Inside the box lay two, perfect, four inch leopard print stilettos, and they were calling his name.

Yaten squealed, perhaps a little girlishly, and pulled them out, hugging them to his chest. He cradled them for a minute before turning around suddenly, certain that he had heard a noise. When he saw neither arrogant smirk or mutant forehead, Yaten realized he was safe again and went back to hugging his shoes.

Oh, how he missed the feel of high heels. There was a sense of empowerment he felt when he had worn them back when it had been gender appropriate. Yaten had felt like a badass. Like a sexy, pretty, positively ravishing badass.

And Yaten had been so clearly hotter than Seiya back in the day. Really, some girls had absolutely no taste.

"Bints," Yaten muttered to himself before taking one last look around the flat. There was no sign of either of his band mates, so now was as good a time as any. Yaten quickly shut and latched the door, stopping himself from barricading the door. Then he tiptoed over to the window and shut all of the curtains. They may have been in a high rise apartment, but it didn't seem to stop the paparazzi from scaling the building in order to find the perfect, scandalous shot of one of the pretty boys bedding some young, impressionable youth or wandering around in a drunken stupor in a Santa outfit or whatever the hell else they hoped to get.

One assured that no one could possibly see him, Yaten kicked off his regular, clunky, downright unpleasant looking shoes and replaced them with the stilettos. He let out a sigh of relief, reveling in the feeling of height and sexiness once more.

This was what he missed most about being a woman. The shoes.

Yaten got to his feet and started walking around the room, practicing a bit before he started to do anything complicated. Once he was sure that he had his balance, he clapped his hands and a dance remix version of "Search for Your Love" started to play. He shook his hips in time to the drum start up and then began prancing about the room, singing along at the top his lungs, dancing in time. He spent most of his time in front of the mirror, practicing poses and blowing kisses at himself in front of the mirror.

Damn, but he looked good.

He walked saucily over his closet, swinging his hips to the beat. He spun and twirled around it, bending up and down at appropriate points. Then he swung open both of the doors at a high night, still singing along, and found none other than Aino Minako hanging upside down in his closet.

"Mi-Minako?" he questioned, feeling that he shouldn't have been as surprised as he actually was to find her there. Because really, there were idol chasers, and then there were _idol chasers_, and then there was Minako.

He shook his head and clapped again, thus signaling the end to the music and possibly his sanity.

"Yaten," she squeaked, checking to make sure that her skirt hadn't flown up over her head given her current inverted position. Though why she had chosen that attire for this particular outing was beyond him. Actually, why she was hanging upside down in the first place was beyond him. "Fancy meeting you here."

"Yeah, fancy that," Yaten drawled, folding his arms over his chest. He held his position, affecting a look of calm. Then he shot forward, green eyes wide, looking down at her with his face just inches from hers. "IT'S ONLY MY ROOM YOU'RE HIDING IN!"

Minako shrieked, taken off guard and went crashing to the bottom of the closet. She landed directly on her head, and Yaten dared to hope that she'd knocked herself out. Unfortunately, she was back on her feet in mere seconds, smiling as innocently as she could manage and laughing as if this were all some terribly funny misunderstanding. "Oh, Yaten… You make it sound like I was committing a crime or something."

Yaten glared. "You were committing a crime. Or something. Breaking and entering sound familiar to you?"

Minako scoffed, waving her hand flippantly. "It's not breaking and entering when you have a key!" she announced proudly, producing it from out of nowhere and shoving it in his face.

Yaten stared at it in shock, suspecting the worst. "But… how could you have made a copy of--"

"I didn't make a copy of anything," Minako insisted, looking insulted. "Really, Yaten. What kind of girl do you take me for?"

Yaten decided that if he wanted to avoid being punched by a mentally unstable girl, he should hold his tongue on that subject. "But then where did you get that key?"

Minako grinned wickedly. "Seiya gave it to me."

Yaten felt his jaw drop before he was conscious of Minako shutting it for him. "S-Seiya gave you a key?"

"Yup!" she chirped. "You see, I offered to clean your apartment once while you were out of town, and he gave me the key without telling you and Taiki because he knew that neither of you would approve and insist that I'd swipe some terribly expensive memorabilia or something. Which, might I add, did not happen, and I was quite insulting that you or Taiki would have said that about me given the chance. I mean, I'm one of your most devoted fangirls, and I never would have taken anything **expensive**. Sheesh."

Yaten had a feeling he had just learned where his favorite scarf had gotten to. "So... You cleaned the apartment while we were out of town… three weeks ago?"

"Yes!" she said brightly.

"And you didn't give the key back?" Yaten asked, raising an eyebrow.

Minako scoffed. "Well, no. I mean, honestly Yaten, what kind of fan do you take me for?"

Yaten nodded, rolling his eyes. "Naturally."

Minako glanced down for a moment, the right corner of her mouth twitching and her eyes sparkling in the oppressive lighting of their flat. "So… dance around in four inch heels often?"

Her tone was so nonchalant and innocent that Yaten almost forgot the gravity of it. He opened his mouth to supply her with some sort of snarky answered when he remembered that yes, he was wearing four inch heels, and yes, she had caught him, and yes, he was still in his man suit. He shouted a little girlishly, jumping back and attempting to hide one foot behind the other and then forgoing that strategy and just leaping behind the bed. Yaten stared back at her in shock and said, "You… You saw all that."

Minako nodded, smirking at him in her usual way. "Sweetie, I've been in there since you were in the shower." She paused. "Side note, I don't know what Makoto's talking about. I think you have the best butt out of the bunch myself."

Yaten realized that she had likely seen that part of his anatomy without benefit of clothing in the way and was very certain that one of them needed to die in order to stop his embarrassment, and he was far too pretty to meet an untimely end. "Minako!" he hissed, mortified.

"Oh, don't act like it's such a big deal," Minako said flippantly. "I'm sure lots of perfectly normal men… dance around in girl's shoes." She cocked her head to the side, leaning over to get a better look at the shoes. She nodded in approval and said, "Side note, those are hot. What size do you wear? I think I want to borrow those."

"YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BORROW MY SHOES AFTER BREAKING INTO MY APARTMENT!" Yaten raged, guessing that he was turning a variety of amusing colors judging by Minako's expression.

Minako rolled her eyes. "Yaten, I told you. It's not breaking and entering if Seiya gave me a key. Aren't you listening to a word I'm saying?"

"It is breaking and entering if you were supposed to give the key back," Yaten snapped, trying to reach around and grab the key, but she proved to be too quick for him.

"Seiya never told me anything about that," Minako taunted, flashing about the gold key like a toy mouse for her cat.

Yaten growled and stormed after her, still attempting to snatch it back. "Of course he didn't. He was probably too busy making moon eyes at Usagi."

Minako giggled, stopping to ponder that. "Moon eyes. I have to tell her that one. Usagi could use a laugh."

"What are you talking about?" Yaten snapped, diving forward in an attempt to catch the key.

Minako jumped out of the way, hopping on to his bed to avoid him. "It's not important. And I'm not giving you back the key."

Before Yaten went after her, he kicked his shoes off as they were definitely slowing him down. He was clearly out of practice, and the male body was not made for dainty shoes. "You are going to give me the key back, **and** you are not going to tell anyone about the shoes."

"Oh, why not?" Minako asked, mocking him. "I just said Usagi could use a good laugh. The image of you prancing around in heels, gyrating no less, that should really do the trick."

Yaten snarled and leapt up from the ground, preparing to tackle the girl on his bed to wrestle the key from her cold dead hands if necessary. But Minako seemed to be well versed in the art of dodging, much to his displeasure, and was able to elude him without flinching. Before he could go after her again, she shoved the key down her blouse, looking triumphant at her solution. "Ha! Try and get your key back now."

Yaten narrowed his eyes. "Don't think I won't go after it."

Minako snorted, looking down at her nails. "Please. As if you could ever work up the nerve to—YIPE!"

Yaten leapt at her, pinning her down to the bed in one fell swoop. He attempted to reach in and go after the key, just as he had warned, but she was squirming and yelling at him, thus distracting him from his ultimate goal.

"Let go of me, you… pervert!" she accused, all blue eyes and self righteous indignation.

"I told you I would get it," he reminded her.

"Oh, like I haven't heard that one before. You're not supposed to mean it!"

"Well, I did."

"But you—AH! GET YOUR HAND OUT OF THERE!"

"Give me back the key, and I'll have no reason to be in there!"

"Stop groping me, or I'll tell the whole city about your shoe fetish! And the weird stuff you keep under the bed!"

"YOU LOOKED UNDER MY BED?"

"Oh, Yaten, I looked everywhere."

"I… I just… I don't believe you!"

"I can't tell you how many times I hear that in one day."

"You're insane!"

"And that. Now, if you would kindly halt this SEXUAL ASSAULT, I will--"

"Give it back!"

"Get off me this minute or I'll scream so loud, I'll bring the whole city down on your head! I have friends you know!"

"I am both shocked and amazed—OW! NO FAIR KICKING!"

"No fair trying to RAPE ME!"

"Don't flatter yourself!"

Just then, Yaten heard the door open, and he was very certain that he would have gladly welcomed the apocalypse.

"Hey Yaten, we're ho—My God, what are you doing to her?" Seiya asked, gaping.

Taiki just stared, preferring silence for the moment.

Minako affected a 'woe is me' face and pulled herself out from underneath Yaten, who was currently frozen in shock and mortification. She zipped over to Seiya faster than Yaten could link, hanging on his arm, burying her face in Seiya's chest. "Oh, Seiya… Taiki, it was terrible! I just came over to see you like any good friend would, and… and he attacked me!"

Yaten balked, jumping off the bed and shouting, "I did not!"

"Oh, but he did," Minako said pathetically, sounding as if she might actually be crying. She looked up at Seiya, her voice pleading and earnest, water welling up in her eyes. "Seiya, I think the stress of performing is starting to get to Yaten. He was just… positively wild! He didn't even seem to know who I was! Oh, it's simply tragic. You must do something about it."

Seiya nodded, knowing just how stressful their lives were indeed, and thinking that Yaten reaching the end of his rope was a bit more plausible than even Minako believed. "Yes… We will at that."

Yaten was now convinced that he was perfectly sane, but the whole world had jumped onto the boat to Crazy Town. "Can't you see that she's lying! I found her--"

"Innocent and unsullied, but he wanted to change all that," Minako wept.

Yaten was flabbergasted. "Innocent, my ass. You were--"

Taiki looked over at him, obviously disappointed. "Really, Yaten, I'm surprised at you. I never thought that you'd be one to crack under pressure."

Minako reached over and touched Taiki's arm. "Oh, you must promise me that you'll get him all the help he needs. I'm hurt now, but I'll get over it. But you must remember that there are millions of fans who count on all of you. Promise me that you'll fix him up and you'll keep on singing your hearts out. It would… kill me to know that I was the cause of any discord among the band that might keep you from performing."

Yaten had to stop this madness, and he could see only one recourse in order to so. He yelled like a wild animal and dove for her, causing her to retreat into Seiya's arms to avoid harm. Taiki leapt forward, catching Yaten about the waist.

"She's poisoning your mind!" Yaten insisted. "You have to believe me."

"Of course we do," Taiki responded in typical patronizing fashion. "Minako, we'll do everything we can, but I'd think you'd better go. Apparently his… psychotic episode hasn't passed."

"I AM NOT PSYCHOTIC."

"Of course you're not," Taiki said in the same tone.

Minako nodded bravely, reaching around and plucking Yaten's stilettos off the ground, winking at him now that Taiki and Seiya couldn't see her. Then she straightened and said, "I'll just be taking my shoes and leaving." Before she exited, she threw her arms around Seiya and said, "Thanks so much for everything."

Seiya patted her head awkwardly and said, "You're… welcome, Minako. We'll see you in school."

Minako nodded and exited the room, seeming just as tragic a figure as she had when Taiki and Seiya had entered it. And as she walked out of the apartment, hips swinging in triumph with the key at her breast and the shoes in her hand, she had to suppress a giggle when she heard Yaten scream after her.

"SHE'S EVIL! EVIL I TELL YOU!"

Well, she'd been called worse anyway.


End file.
